Babble Incorporated
by JapaneseWonderGirl
Summary: When teen talk show hostesses Kori, Aimi, Cinna and Jenjen trap the Titans in their studio, hilarity - by which I mean "mindless sex comedy" - ensues. Possibly the most retarded thing you'll ever read.  M for language, and skankiness in later chapters
1. Chapter One: Special Guests

In which we are introduced to our hostesses, and their prisoners—err, "special guests."

**CHAPTER ONE:**

**SPECIAL GUESTS**

AIMI : Hello, and welcome to the Insane Babble Channel ! Today's "special guests" include Kori, Jenjen, Cinna, and a few of their _special_ friends...

JENJEN : Hi hi hey hi hi !

CINNA : Nobody wants tofu waffles.

KORI : Shut up, retardos.

AIMI : So, tell me, why are you insane ?

JENJEN : Pass the soy milk !

KORI : Alcohol ! Wheeeeeeee !

CINNA : Now for MY special friend ! *Starfire walks in*

STAR : I do not wish to be here. Could I not be back home making out with Ro- I mean, um, back home ?

CINNA : *whacks star with brick* Nooooooooo ! Robin is MIIIIIIIIIINE !

JENJEN : Shin-gari my kari blah blah blah blah

KORI : You are all sooooo gay

AIMI : Nananananana-what ? I'm the background music ! Nanananana...

JENJEN : And now : MY special friend ! *Beast Boy walks in*

BEAST BOY : Dude. Where am I ?

JENJEN : *hearts in eyes*

CINNA : *whacks Jenjen with brick*

JENJEN : Duhhhhh...

AIMI : And now for Kori's special friend !

KORI : Do I have to have a special friend ?

AIMI : Yes.

KORI : Okay. *Drags Raven in, kicking and screaming*

RAVEN : Pointless.

JENJEN : *Bites Raven* Give me tofu NOW !

STAR : Hello, Friends ! You are also trapped in this strange world of random insanity ?

BEAST BOY : Unfortunately...

AIMI : O-kay ! Now comes the part of the show where (nonexistent) viewers send in DARES for you people ! Now, here's our first dare from none other than Moonstar1244, who says : "I dare you to bring the rest of the Titans on the show. It's boring without them."

JENJEN : *drags Robin and Cyborg onto set* Hi hi hey hi !

ROBIN : Where is Star ?

STAR : Here I am ! Might you wish to perform the ritual of "making out ?"

ROBIN : Sure ! *frenches Star*

AIMI : O-kay, nasty picture. Our second dare comes from Akomiko, who says "1. Make Jenjen kiss Beast Boy for 30 minutes and see if Raven cares. Make Cyborg admit he's gay. Make Cinna make out with Robin. Dump 10 quarts of asparagus on AIMI's head."

ROBIN : NOOOOOOOOOOO ! *Runs in another direction*

CINNA : YESSSSSSSS ! *Chases him*

JENJEN : Finally ! *kisses Beast Boy*

RAVEN : *throws chair at Jenjen's head*

BEAST BOY: You like me ! You really like me !

RAVEN : *runs away in shame*

AIMI : Yum ! *Dances in asparagus*

CYBORG : I"M NOT GAY !

AIMI : Yes you are !

CINNA : *stops kissing Robin* Really ?

ROBIN : Hooray ! Freedom !

AIMI : Our next dare comes from DarkAngel43, who says : "Make Beast Boy eat 10 pounds of meat. Make Cyborg jump in a vat of boiling oil. Lock Robin in a room with Star alone for twenty minutes and see what happens. Dunk Jenjen in Hot Confectionary.

Make Cinna dance the Funky Chicken in front of her entire class. Force Raven to sing the National Anthem in Japanese while eating a sardine-marshmallow pizza."

ROBIN AND STAR : *go into room*

CYBORG : Nobody loves me anymore !

CINNA : *dancing Funky Chicken* That's cuz nobody ever loved you, gaybo !

RAVEN : I hate pizza.

JENJEN : Confectionary ! Wheeeeeee !

BEAST BOY : Nooooo ! Never !

AIMI : Sorry, but you gotta ! It's my show and I say you must !

BEAST BOY : *eats meat and passes out*

CYBORG : *burns*

RAVEN : *barfs up pizza* I don't know Japaneeeeese ! Have mercy !

AIMI : Heeheehee...I love being evil. Now, face the wrath of my chainsaw !

RAVEN : Ahhhhhhhh ! *flies away*

AIMI : *chases her*

KORI : *looks at watch* Twenty minutes are up ! You can come out now !

*no response* Hello ? Hello ?

Twenty more minutes later...

KORI : *pulls door off hinges* GET OUT !

STAR : *leaving room all sweaty and messed up* That was _most_ enjoyable !

ROBIN : *in a daze* Yeah...

KORI : *shields eyes* Let's just hope it was a heated game of Scrabble...anyway, onto the next dare from Lilopossum : "Auction everybody off"

AIMI : *coming back carrying Raven's bloodstained body* Guess who's back ! And revived ! *sprays Reviving Spray on Raven*

RAVEN : *opens eyes* Just when I thought I was free of you all...

AIMI : Okay, the first item up for auction is...Jenjen !

JENJEN : Me ! *crickets chirp*

AIMI : Um...okay...uh...next item up for bidding is...Beast Boy !

RAVEN : Ten dollars ! *realizes what she said and covers mouth*

AIMI : Sold ! Would you like that gift-wrapped ?

RAVEN : Okay.

AIMI : Oh. So, next item up for sale is...Cinna !

ROBIN : Four cents !

STAR : *throws brick at his head*

AIMI : Sold ! Okay, next item up for sale is...Raven !

BEAST BOY : *from inside wrapping paper* Five dollars !

AIMI : *looks at Raven, who almost cries when she thinks of Beast Boy owning her*

Sold ! Next up...Cyborg ! *crickets chirp again*

CYBORG : *wailing* Nobody waaaaaaaants meeeeeeee !

JENJEN : Join the club, buster.

AIMI : Oh, well. Next item up for sale is...Starfire !

ROBIN : *foaming at mouth* TWENTY BILLION DOLLARS !

STAR : Goody ! *Jumps into Robin's arms*

AIMI : Now, I believe we've sold everybody except for me and Kori. And since Jenjen and Cyborg were the only ones not bidded on, they get an all expenses-paid trip to the Bahamas !

JENJEN : No !

CYBORG : No !

AIMI : YES ! Now we can finally get rid of you ! *pushes them onto plane*

CINNA : Not Jenjen ! Nooooooo ! My bestest friend !

ROBIN : Hey, you belong to me now !

STAR : *throws a cinderblock at his head* No more cheating !

CINNA : You wanna fight for him, wimpo ?

STAR : As you say : 'Bring it on !'*wins* I am victorious ! *runs with Robin into bedroom*

CINNA : *cries* NOOOO !

AIMI : Doesn't look like they'll be finished for a while...we've eliminated four people. Who will be next ?

RAVEN : I know ! Me ! *flies away*

BEAST BOY : NOOOOO ! COME BACK !

KORI : I've got tofu !

BEAST BOY : TOFU ! WHERE ! *runs off into distance*

CINNA : Aw, man. Everybody's gone !

AIMI : That's showbiz, kid !

JENJEN : *appearing on TV screen* Help ! I'm trapped in Bahamas with a gay cyborg !

CYBORG : *appearing behind her* FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT GAY !

BEAST BOY : GIVE ME TOFU NOW !

RAVEN : *from somewhere in the distance* HELP ! I'm being eaten by a rabid monkey !

BEAST BOY : My love ! I will save you ! *runs after Raven*

STAR : *poking head out from door* This is even more enjoyable than the last time !

ROBIN : *moans* Come back...

STAR : Gladly ! *shuts door*

CINNA : NOOO ! THE LOVE OF MY LIFE !

KORI : Goodbye.

AIMI : *falls asleep*


	2. Chapter Two: Insanity

In which Christmas lists are made, Raven is murdered, and Starfire loses her fucking mind.

**CHAPTER TWO: **

**INSANITY**

AIMI : Oh, the sweet, sweet irony of evil ! And insanity ! And what do you get when you mix evil and insanity ? ME ! Yep, your favorite crazy show host is back with more DARES and more TORTURE for Cinna, Jenjen, and their _special_ friends...

RAVEN : NOOOOO ! NOT MORE TORTURE ! *runs into wall*

KORI : And boy, do we have some torture in store for you ! But before we commence with the dares, we need to get everybody back here. *plane from Bahamas lands*

JENJEN : Finally ! Back from the Bahamas with that disgusting gaybo !

CYBORG : I am NOT gay !

CINNA : Yes you are. And by the way, I'm back, too.

BEAST BOY : So am I. And guess what ! Raven still belongs to me. I paid five bucks for her !

RAVEN : *groans* My life is over.

AIMI : Um...this is everybody, right ?

KORI : *sighs, glancing at bedroom door* Not quite _everyone_...

STAR : *coming out of bedroom, blushing and sweatdropping* I most sincerely apologize. Still, that was enjoyable...

ROBIN : *following her* Yeah...

CINNA : Hey ! WHAT ABOUT ME ? YOU BOUGHT ME FOR FOUR WHOLE CENTS, YOU KNOW !

STAR : *fries Cinna's head with a Starbolt* Back off ! He is miiiiiiiiiiiiine ! Mine, I tell you, miiiiiiiiine !

EVERYONE : *staring at Star*

STAR : *major sweatdrop*

AIMI : Okay, today we're going to play "What do YOU want for Christmas ?" So, Jenjen, what do YOU want for Christmas ?

JENJEN : Tofu waffles.

AIMI : What about Raven ?

RAVEN : Beast Boy...*sweatdrops when she realizes what she said*

BEAST BOY : Score !

AIMI : Cinna ?

CINNA : Robin...*is whacked by Star*

AIMI : Robin ?

ROBIN : *in a trance* Star...

STAR : *smirks at Cinna*

CINNA : *cries like baby*

AIMI : Cyborg ?

CYBORG : For somebody to loooooove me.

AIMI : Nobody loves a gay.

KORI : Except another gay.

RAVEN : Right.

ROBIN : I'm gay.

STAR : No you are not.

ROBIN : Oh.

BEAST BOY : Pass the soy milk

STAR : *dumps soy milk on BB's head*

CINNA : *dries tears* Let's have a singing contest !

CYBORG : I can sing !

STAR : No you cannot.

AIMI : Man, Star, I thought you were supposed to be all nice and stuff.

BLACKFIRE : *popping in* No, that's me. CN wrote the show wrong and made me eeeeeeeeeevil.

STAR : Yeah. Evilness rocks !

BLACKFIRE : Peace, love and - *is knocked out by a Starbolt*

ALL : O_0

STAR : What ?

ROBIN : Do I still have to love you ?

CINNA : *gazes dreamily at Robin* Mmmm...I hope not.

STAR : Yes.

CINNA : *cries*

AIMI : Violence is not permitted on - *is knocked out by a Starbolt*

CYBORG : *screaming* Star's gone mad ! RUN AWAY ! RUN AWAY !

RAVEN : Sorry. I don't take orders from gays - *is killed by a Starbolt*

BEAST BOY : NOOOOOOO ! SHE'S DEAD !

KORI : Hm. Too bad. Oh well, let's get on with the show.

STAR : YEAH ! PAY ATTENTION TO MEEEEEEE !

KORI : On second thought...let's get outta here !

CYBORG : Wait ! Any villain can be destroyed with the POWER OF GAYNESS !

*knocks Star out*

BEAST BOY : Dude, that was like, so retarded.

RAVEN : *appears on television screen* Hi. It's me. When I died, I wanted to go to Hell, but God made me come here, instead.

BEAST BOY : Raven !

RAVEN : *is wearing angel wings, white dress, and halo* This really sucks.

KORI : I feel for ya, girl. I really, really do.

BLACKFIRE : I'm still here.

AIMI : Shut up.

RAVEN : Uh, I gotta go now. I'm gonna try to 'talk some sense' into God...*screen flickers off*

BEAST BOY : Hey, now that Raven is dead, we can raid her room !

CYBORG : Yeah, let's go !

BEAST BOY : Sorry, Cy, no gays allowed.

CYBORG : *crying* This prejudice has gone far enough !

JENJEN : Hi hi hey hi.

CINNA : Where were you for the last friggin' two pages !

JENJEN : Eating the Tofu Waffles I got for Christmas.

RAVEN : *comes back on TV looking normal again* God decided I couldn't go to Hell, but I got him to send me to Azarath, instead ! So now I live with my dad...*sweatdrops*

Say hi, Dad.

TRIGON : Hi !

RAVEN : *sweatdrops* You're so dorky.

TRIGON : Rage will consume you, you know.

RAVEN : *sighs* Yes, I know. *screen flickers off*

CYBORG : Sad, isn't it ?

KORI : Not as sad as you, gaybo.

CYBORG : *self-destructs*

CINNA : Joy to the world, the gaybo is dead, we barbecued his head...

STAR : I do not eat metal. Therefore we should not barbecue his head.

ROBIN : Guess who's back. Back again. Robin's back. Tell a friend.

STAR : Delicious...

BLACKFIRE : *slaps Star* You pervert !

STAR : What ? I was speaking of, um...cotton candy ! Yes, cotton candy !

BLACKFIRE : Mmm-hmm. Sure you were *is blasted back to Tamaran by a Starbolt*

STAR : That was most satisfying !

ROBIN : I was gone. For one page. Now I'm back. Back again. Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's- *green bird flies down and pecks his head* Ow !

BEAST BOY: Sorry, dude, but you were getting kinda annoying...

AIMI : *giggles insanely* Now, here's the part of the story where we reveal everyone's deepest, darkest secrets !

ROBIN : *trembles in fear* NO !

KORI : Yes ! First up...YOU !

ROBIN : *runs away*

JENJEN : *catches him* Here he is, master !

CINNA : *chuckles like an idiot* Heeheehee...thank you, loyal slave.

JENJEN : Yes, master.

CINNA : But forget the darkest secrets...my love and I are finally together...

*kisses Robin passionately*

ROBIN : *passes out*

STAR : NOOOOOOO !

AIMI : *slaps straightjacket on Star* Nighty-night, crazy lady ! *injects her with a tranquilizer gun*

STAR : Ugh - *falls asleep*

AIMI : Be sure to tune in next week when we ressurect Raven, sell Star to an asylum, and begin the Ritual Of Ultimate Insanity !

RAVEN : *from Azarath* NO !


	3. Chapter Three: Cyborg Comes Out

In which Cyborg is humiliated, as usual, and Raven is ressurected only to kill herself.

**CYBORG COMES OUT**

AIMI : We're back !

KORI : And evil !

AIMI : And as we promised, in this stupid chappie, we must ressurect Raven.

RAVEN : *looks around* Where am I ?

BEAST BOY : *drooling* Ressurected...

RAVEN : NOOOOOO !

JENJEN : Hi hi hey hi

CINNA : If you say that again I'm gonna kill you

JENJEN : Hi hi hey - *sees Cinna's face* Uhhhhhhh...

AIMI : Anyway, we also promised to sell Starfire to a lunatic asylum. So sell her we must !

STAR : Peanuts ! *drooling*

KORI : *sweatdrops* You're so retarded. And gay.

CYBORG : No, that's me.

ALL : Oh, so NOW you admit it ?

CYBORG : *sweatdrops* Uh...did I just say that out loud ?

STAR : Don't put me away ! I'm not crazy ! I swear it, just please, pleeeeeeeease don't take me away !

ROBIN : Awww, let her stay...*is whacked on head by brick*

CINNA : *holding brick* Hehehe...you are mine forever !

STAR : NOOOO ! *kicking and screaming as she's carted away* NOOOOOO !

RAVEN : *tears in eyes*

ALL : 0_O

RAVEN : What ? It's not like I _cared_ or anything...

CINNA : Whatever happened to the singing contest we were supposed to have ?

JENJEN : I can sing ! *starts to sing Teen Titans theme*

RAVEN: What is that horrible music ?

KORI : *hits her on head* It's your theme song, dumbo.

BEAST BOY : We have a theme song ?

CYBORG : Who sings this ? They sound hot...

KORI : PuffyAmiYumi. But you can't love them because you're gay...

CYBORG : *crying* Aw, man !

AIMI : Cheer up ! I'm sure Justin Bieber is still available !

ALL : O_O

AIMI : What ? He's GAY, for God's sake !

ALL : Makes sense to us ! *laugh at Cyborg*

CYBORG : Oh, the humiliation ! *runs away*

ROBIN : Guess who's back...

CINNA : Oooh ! My love has returned ! And no Star to get in the way...*frenches Robin*

ROBIN : *grins crazily and passes out*

CYBORG : Shield your eyes !

KORI : What ? It's only natural...oh right, you're gay.

CYBORG : *self-destructs*

CINNA : Don't worry 'bout his body, we flushed it down the potty...

BEAST BOY : *runs around in circles* TOFU !

RAVEN : *shakes head* I knew it would get to him sometime or other. *pulls out gun and shoots herself*

BEAST BOY : SUICIDE ! EVERYBODY RUN !

ROBIN : I can't run.

BEAST BOY : Why not ?

ROBIN : Cinna !

CINNA : *still frenching him* You know my name ! I am loved !

AIMI : Somebody kill me...

RAVEN : *from the Great Beyond* Try suicide ! It really _does_ work !

ALL : *depressed* Why do we feel like we are missing somebody ?

RAVEN : It's not me. I'm still here, kind of. At least I'm still babbling, anyway.

ROBIN : *pining for long-lost love* Star...

ALL : *sighs* Yeah...

STAR : I AM BACK! *runs into room*

ROBIN : *grabs her and drags her into bedroom*

CYBORG : Um...is that thing soundproof ?

RAVEN : Like you would know, gaybo.

CYBORG : What, like you've got experience ?

BEAST BOY : Oooh...do you want experience ? Cuz I can - *is hit telekinetically by brick*

RAVEN : Boy, that felt good

BEAST BOY : *in a brick-hit daze* Wanna know what else would feel good ?

RAVEN : Not from you I don't !

BEAST BOY : *passes out*

JENJEN : It's me, live and in color, making my first-time debut on this page !

KORI : Sorry, Jenjen, but you're a little late...this page is almost over.

JENJEN : Okay ! So I get to start a new page !

AIMI : *groans* Which means...you get to choose what happens on it.

JENJEN : Goody ! *teleports Slade into room*

SLADE : Must...hurt...Robin...

ROBIN : *pops out of bedroom* Um...wattle I do ? Oh, no !

STAR : *moans* Come back !

SLADE : Um...what exactly were you doing ?

STAR : Oh ! We were performing the Ritual Of-

ROBIN : *cuts Star off* Nothing ! Absolutely nothing...

SLADE : Don't even joke like that...I know what she wuz gonna say. I'm outta here ! *runs away*

ROBIN : Phew ! *runs back into bedroom*

AIMI : Number one, this whole chappie is full of nasty pervertedness. Number two, Raven, on the last page, you were (and still are) dead. how did you get mad at BB ?

RAVEN : *back in Great Beyond* I dunno...but it's friggin' great being dead. I love being free of you all...I've found the one place I belong !

CYBORG : Whoa. I feel so...rejected.

KORI : But you're a gay. Weren't you always rejected ?

CYBORG : True...

KORI : True what, that you're gay or that you're rejected ?

BEAST BOY : Both.

CYBORG : *blasts off BB's head with cannon* I had no idea how much I wanted to do that...

RAVEN : *from Great Beyond* Join the club !


	4. Chapter Four: The Battle

In which Starfire goes to court, Wednesday visits the set, and the Titans get existential.

**CHAPTER FOUR: **

**THE BATTLE**

JENJEN : Hi hi hey hi !

AIMI : *pushes Jenjen out of the way* Shut up, whiny brat ! This is MY show ! Oh...*notices viewers*...ah...right...Today, on the Insane Babble Channel, we're airing the super-special insider's copy of Starfire's court trial, in which she pleads on constitutional grounds for her relase from the Mental Ward ! *rolls tape*

ON SCREEN

KORI : Court is now in session !

STAR : Wait...you are the judge ?

KORI : Correct.

STAR : I am doomed.

KORI : Okay, so, Starfire, we are gathered here today to witness the trial for your release from the Mental Ward. And on what grounds is this on ?

STAR : Consitutional.

KORI : And in what way is it unconstitutional to place you in a home for the mentally unwell ?

ROBIN : You can't take her away from meeeeeee !

KORI : And who might you be ?

ROBIN : Her lawyer. And I say it's unconstitutional to break the bonds of love between two semi-fictional characters !

RAVEN : *from the Great Beyond* I object !

STAR : Why are you running against me ?

RAVEN : Cuz you killed me.

STAR : *sweatdrops* Oh...right.

CYBORG : And I am her lawyer !

ROBIN : Why ?

CYBORG : Cuz I'm bitter about being unloved and permanently labeled as a freak and a

gay.

KORI : So, Raven, what are the circumstances upon which you wish to run against Starfire and therefore comdemn her to a life in a mental clinic ?

RAVEN : Hel-lo ? Didn't you see the little asterisk thingies that said "from the Great Beyond" I'm dead !

ROBIN : That's your problem !

RAVEN : She _killed_ me.

STAR : But I thought you liked being dead.

RAVEN : Oh...right. Later for you. *rises into sky*

KORI : Court is adjourned !

TAPE ENDS

ALL : *snoring*

AIMI : WAKE UP RETARDS !

ALL : Okay, okay, we're up.

RAVEN : 'Cept me cuz I'm dead.

BEAST BOY : *mysteriously* I heard somewhere that gays never sleep.

CYBORG : Robot gays do.

KORI : FINALLY ! A confession !

CYBORG : Yeah, whatever.

STAR : Hooray ! I'm not crazy anymore !

AIMI : Yes you are. It's just that nobody knows it.

ROBIN : I feel dizzy.

STAR : *gazes at Robin with hearts in eyes* I feel horny...

RAVEN : I feel dead

BEAST BOY : Cyborg feels gay...

CYBORG : And like pounding the crap out of your fat green head !

BEAST BOY : Only if you can catch me ! *flies away*

JENJEN : Hi hi hey - *head is sliced off by birdarang*

ROBIN : Finally ! Peace !

STAR : *grabbing head* Wonderful ! A commemorative souvenir to aid in my memory of this horrible place !

RAVEN : Hel-lo ? Does anybody care that I'm dead, here ?

AIMI : No.

RAVEN : I'm so unloved !

CYBORG : Not so easy, is it ?

RAVEN : Don't worry, you're loved. By men, that is.

BEAST BOY : Then I must not be a man...

RAVEN : Oh, I knew that all along, shrimpy.

BEAST BOY : *yelling* Watch who you're mouthin' off to, deadhead !

KORI : STOP FIGHTING !

RAVEN : Give us ten good reasons...

KORI : Reasons one through ten: I'll never set you free if you don't.

BEAST BOY : Freedom !

STAR : Yes. When are we permitted to evacuate the premises of this friggin' pit of torture ?

CYBORG : Omigod ! She used a contraction !

BEAST BOY : *snickering* Isn't that called "labor" for girls ?

CINNA : And you know what else is labor ? When I make you my slave ! *pulls out chains and smirks*

BEAST BOY : I'll become a girl when I'm your slave ?

KORI : Wow...you really don't know anything, do you ?

BEAST BOY : Nope ! I'm one-hundred-percent fresh, farm-raised, low-calorie idiot !

ROBIN : Back to the freedom issue. How is it, exactly, that we are all imprisoned here ?

CINNA : *makes dreamy face at Robin* Cuz I looove y-

AIMI : *cuts Cinna off* No, it's cuz we want to publicly torture and humiliate you !

RAVEN : May I remind you that we do not exist ?

ROBIN, CYBORG, AND BEAST BOY : *gaping* We _don't_?

STAR : Raven is correct. We are crude, fictional interpretations of supernatural human beings posessing mutant abilities which are put into motion through the sciences of art and technology on a television screen for viewers to enjoy.

BEAST BOY : We're TV ?

CYBORG : We're not real ?

ROBIN : I'm gonna die.

STAR : *shakes head* Strange, is it not, how they were perfectly unharmed before being given this knowledge ?

RAVEN : It's called "male stupidity", Star.

STAR : This is an admirable quality ?

RAVEN : Yes.

KORI : Well, that was boring.

STAR : But, at least for me, _this_ will not be. *frenches Robin*

AIMI : *shields eyes* EVIL ! EEEEEEEEEVIL !

JENJEN : I can't think of anything to say.

CINNA : So let's do a hentai play.

KORI : Hentai means perversion.

AIMI : But a slightly different version.

RAVEN : Stop rhyming or I'll chuck you

KORI : Well, we don't care so fuck you !

RAVEN : I am so offended.

BEAST BOY : This song should be ended.

STAR : Love is in the air...

CINNA : So is your underwear.

RAVEN : And I don't really care...

JENJEN : *shrieking* THE ADDAMS FAMILY !

ALL : Huh ?

JENJEN : You've been singing to that tune the whole time.

ALL : Oh.

KORI : You just gave me a great idea ! *whispers in Cinna's ear*

CINNA : Guest appearance, guest appearance ! *drags in Wednesday*

WEDNESDAY : Hi.

AIMI : We're gonna have a BATTLE OF THE MORBIDNESS to see who is more dark and disturbing : The pale-faced little goody-goody or the equally pale-faced DEMON RULER OF THE UNDERWORLD !

RAVEN : *smirking* Guess which one I am.

WEDNESDAY : *pouting* I am _not_ a little goody-goody !

RAVEN : Compared to me, you are.

WEDNESDAY : Yeah, right ! Can _you_ drink an entire bottle of cyanide as if it were your favorite beverage ?

RAVEN : Two, actually.

WEDNESDAY : Aw man ! You won that one...um...would you kill someone at will ?

RAVEN : Gladly.

WEDNESDAY : Okay, let's see who can do it faster ! *produces knife and slits BB's throat*

RAVEN : Lame ! *tries to smash lead weight on Robin's head, but is cut off by Starbolt*

STAR : I will not let you hurt him !

AIMI : Sorry, Ravy, that round goes to Wednesday !

RAVEN : NEVER call me Ravy again.

WEDNESDAY : Okay, a scary story contest ! *tells 'old noses' story*

ALL : *scream*

WEDNESDAY : *smirking* Let's see you beat that, jewel head !

RAVEN : _Ajna chakra._

WEDNESDAY : *shrugs* Fine, chakra head, whatever you call it, it still looks stupid ! Now hurry up and tell the story, already !

RAVEN : *quietly* Once upon a time...Jenjen was born.

JENJEN : Me !

ALL : *scream and run away*

RAVEN : YES ! I WIN ! I RULE THE KINGDOM OF UTTER DARK AND MORBIDNESS !

WEDNESDAY : And I will fade silently into obscurity...WAHHH !

RAVEN : Wait a minute...I'm dead. So, I really had this contest pinned from the beginning, you know. Nothing's more morbid than...duh duh duh...

THE LIVING DEAD !


	5. Chapter Five: Mocha Latte, Inc

In which games are played, sweatdrops are banned, and Beast Boy is turned into lunch.

**CHAPTER FIVE:**

**MOCHA LATTE INC.**

AIMI : HOORAY ! TODAY IS GAME SHOW DAY ! We give the players impossible questions and dares, and they have to do them...or else lose !

KORI : Which is VERY unpleasant.

AIMI : Right. So the first game we're gonna do is called _DO YOU WANT IT_

KORI : Less or more hentai...it depends...^_^;;;

AIMI : Okay, our first contestant is...Jenjen !

JENJEN : Hi hi hey hi

KORI : Okay, Jenjen - which do you want more : Beast Boy or tofu waffles ?

BEAST BOY : *from side* Please say waffles, please say waffles, please say waffles !

JENJEN : Um...ah...uh...I pick...um...Beast Boy !

BEAST BOY : NOOOOOOOOOO !

AIMI : Next, we have...Robin ! Who do you want more : Cinna or Starfire ?

ROBIN : *sweatdrops* Star, of course.

STAR : WHOOPEE !

CINNA : *sweatdrops*

KORI : WAIT WAIT WAIT HOLD THE FRIGGIN' PHONE ! FROM HERE ON OUT, I OFFICIALLY DECLARE THAT IN THIS SHOW, ONLY THE TITANS CAN SWEATDROP !

CINNA : That's not fair !

KORI : Well, only anime characters can sweatdrop. And they're the only even partially anime characters here.

RAVEN : Only partial ?

AIMI : Yep ! The rest of you is good, old-fashioned, low-quality American artwork !

JAPANESE GUY : Ya ! Japanese dudes rule !

JENJEN : I'm Japanese !

JAPANESE GUY : No you're not !

JENJEN : Secretly...

KORI : *tries to sweatdrop, but can't break her own rule* Okay, okay...let's all engage in some quiet, peaceful activity, like-

RAVEN : *hopefully* Meditation ?

ALL WHO ARE STILL ALLOWED TO : *sweatdrop*

STAR : Cooking !

BEAST BOY : *sarcastically* What ? Pudding Of Sadness ?

STAR : No. Pudding Of Boredom.

CINNA : Is friggin' pudding the only thing you eat on your planet ?

CYBORG : I know ! Let's make our own website !

BEAST BOY : What ? .com ?

CYBORG : *offended*

RAVEN : Is anyone aware that I'm, in fact, still in the Great Beyond ?

ROBIN : Yes. And how are you talking ?

RAVEN : Through a hole in the clouds.

ROBIN : Thanks. *uses birdarang to sew hole shut*

KORI : *sweatdrop attempt* Is there anything those things won't do ?

ROBIN : *grumbling* Make a mocha latte. Believe me, I've tried.

STAR : What is a mocha latte ?

RAVEN : High in calories, caffeine, and you-are-so-not-getting-one.

AIMI : And now for TOTALLY JENJEN !

JENJEN : Like, one time, I had a cricket, and it was named, like...James...and I was like "Ahh, cricket !" and he was all "Ahh, Jenjen !" So I...went to bed.

RAVEN : Must...not...laugh.

BEAST BOY : C'mon...you know you want to !

RAVEN : *laughs; prop explodes and falls on top of Starfire*

ROBIN : NOOO ! Why'dja have to make her laugh ? YOU HURT MY BABY !

BEAST BOY : Uh-oh...*is sliced into lunchmeat by birdarang*

STAR : *coming out from under prop* Wonderful ! Fresh luncheon consumables ! I shall prepare...sand-wiches, correct ?

ROBIN : *grins evilly* Definitely !

LATER, AFTER LUNCHTIME...

STAR : Those were most enjoyable luncheon consumables !

ROBIN : Delicious !

CINNA : *who really hated them* Yes ! Delicious !

BEAST BOY : *from the stomachs of several of his friends* Heeeeeeeelp ! Somebody get me outta here !

AIMI : Oh, you'll come out...

KORI : ...in a couple of days.

JENJEN : Actually, it might be as early as tonight. I think somebody put laxatives in my sandwich...*stomach gurgles*

ALL : 0_O


	6. Chapter Six: A Lethal Examination

In which eyes are examined.

**CHAPTER SIX:**

**A LETHAL EXAMINATION**

AIMI : Today, we're offering free eye exams to everyone who comes on the show !

KORI : *grins evilly* Whether they want them or not.

AIMI : Here's a sample of what the eye chart is gonna look like :

I

need

to go the

bathroom and so

does my monkey whose

name is and has a

purple mole growing on his right foot

and sometimes has to take medication so it will

not blow up and utterly annihilate the president and his dog.

KORI : First up is : Starfire !

STAR : Hooray ! How shall I go about the examination ?

AIMI : Just look at the eye chart and tell me what you see.

STAR : I need to go to the bathroom and so does my monkey whose name is and has a purple hole rowing on his light foot and sometimes has to bake concentration so it will not show up and gutter ann hilary and present frog ?

KORI: -_-;;; Sure. Now, we need to put drops in your eyes. *puts drops in eyes*

STAR: OWWWW! *screams and runs around* FUCK YOU EYE PEOPLE!

CINNA: Shut up! *slaps Star* Sit back down so we can do the last test. *points at hypnotic lights* Stare at those.

STAR: *stares at lights* Pancakes...

AIMI : Good. Okay, you're done. Next up is *sprays Ressurecting Spray into sky* Raven!

RAVEN : I'm alive. Oh joy.

KORI : Now look at the chart and tell me what you see.

RAVEN : A bunch of little squiggles.

AIMI: Oookay...next up, the drops. *puts in drops*

RAVEN: Well, put them in already!

AIMI: I did.

RAVEN: Well, I don't feel anything.

KORI: Not a good sign, but let's use the lights just to be sure. *shines lights*

RAVEN: *falls out of chair*

CINNA: *tsk-tsks* Sorry, Raven, but you need glasses. *gets humongous, Coke-bottle thick glasses* Try these on. *puts them on Raven.*

RAVEN: Do I look pretty?

KORI : No ! Next up is...well, we can't do Jenjen...her view of the world is twisted enough already, and we don't serve gays. Beast Boy is still somewhere inside our stomachs, and Cinna doesn't want a test, so the last one to do is Robin.

ROBIN : *sweatdrops* Um...do I hafta ?

AIMI : Yes, you hafta. Tell me what you see on the eye chart.

ROBIN : What eye chart ?

KORI : Oooh...the one right in front of you ?

ROBIN : I still don't see one.

AIMI : Okay, then...on to the next test. *puts in drops*

ROBIN : So do the test, already !

AIMI : I am.

ROBIN : Well I don't feel anything!

KORI : Whoa. Now for the light test !

ROBIN : I see white. And a little bit of black.

AIMI : Goddamnit, boy, you're friggin' blind !

ROBIN : I am ?

KORI : *simply* No. But you can't see anything with that mask on. Take it off.

ROBIN : I dawanna.

AIMI : We don't care, cuz so far, these tests show that you're blind ! The Titans are officially not allowed to have a blind leader, so you've gotta get better test results, or you're out of a job !

ROBIN : I DAWANNA !

CINNA : *popping out of nowhere* WELL TOO BAD, CUZ YA GOTTA !

ROBIN : NO !

STAR : *sweetly* Robin, would you please remove your eye covering so that you may efficiently complete the examination ?

ROBIN : Sure.

CINNA : *grumbling* Show-off.

ROBIN : *takes off mask* Wow ! Man, Star, you're even sexier than I thought you

were ! But Beast Boy's a lot shorter...*takes new test*

AIMI : Congratulations, you finally pass !

ROBIN : Can I put it back on now ?

KORI : No.

ROBIN : Why ?

AIMI : Cuz we're evil.

CYBORG : Why am I not in this story ?

RAVEN : Cuz nobody wants to read a story with a gay in it.

BEAST BOY : Guess who's back. Back again. I am back. Tell a friend. Guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's back, guess who's - *is hit in head by birdarang* OW !

ROBIN : Well, if I didn't get to sing it, you shouldn't, either.

BEAST BOY : Yeah, but I'm better looking than you.

ROBIN : Then how come I've got a girlfriend and you don't ? *hugs Starfire*

BEAST BOY : I have a girlfriend !

ROBIN : Yeah, right !

BEAST BOY : C'mon, you know Raven loooooves me, don'tcha, Ra- *is smashed into ground telekinetically*

RAVEN : Does that answer your question, loverboy ?

JENJEN : I've got an idea ! Let's have a spelling bee !

ALL : Ummm...okay ?

JENJEN : First word : Gay

CYBORG : G-A-Y !

RAVEN : And of course, you would know.

JENJEN : Second word : What Starfire does to Robin.

STAR : F-R-E-N-C-H K-I-S-S.

JENJEN : Third word : Teen Titans.

PUFFY AMIYUMI : T-E-E-N T-I-T-A-N-S, Teen Titans, let's go! T-E-E-*are knocked out by brick*


	7. Chapter Seven: The Murder

In which Jenjen is tragically murdered, and the hostesses must work tirelessly to solve the case.

**CHAPTER SEVEN:**

**THE MURDER**

JENJEN : Hi hi hey- *dies*

AIMI : AWRIGHT ! WHO KILLED HER ! 'FESS UP, I KNOW YER OUT THERE !

STAR : Wonderful ! We may now discover the solution to a perplexing wrongdoing !

ALL : ?

KORI : What she means is : We get to solve a mystery !

RAVEN : Oh. Joy.

AIMI : WAS IT YOU ! I KNOW IT WAS YOU ! YOU HAD THE MOTIVE ! CONFESS ! CONFESS !

CINNA : Well, we all had the motive...she annoyed each one of us with that "hi hi hey hi" at some time or other. We all had the oppurtunity, too. But what narrows it down is that only _five_ of us had the material - the stuff it takes to take her down !

TITANS : *gulp*

AIMI : *foaming at mouth* YOU'RE ALL IN THIS TOGETHER ! CONFESS, HA HA, I KNOW IT WAS YOU ! THERE'S NO USE HIDING ANYMORE !

KORI : Well, I doubt they were in it together...but one of them is...A MURDERER !

CINNA : I guess we have no choice...but to solve this mystery !

KORI : *sweatdrop attempt* Ya think ?

**INTERROGATIONS **

**RAVEN'S INTERROGATION :**

RAVEN : I didn't do it.

KORI : _Sure_ you didn't. Now, just answer this : Where were you when Jenjen was killed ?

RAVEN : Meditating.

CINNA : Do you have any proof ?

RAVEN : No.

AIMI : AHA ! AN IMPOSTOR !

RAVEN : Hey...hey ! Are you FILMING THIS ! *smashes camera*

**BEAST BOY'S INTERROGATION :**

CINNA : Now I'd really be disappointed if you did it. You were dear old Jenjen's idol, you know, everything she aspired to one day become.

BEAST BOY : Well, I aspire to become a tiger and bite your fat head off if I'm not outta here in five minutes.

KORI : Um...okay...so, where were you ?

BEAST BOY : Um...uh...

AIMI : ANSWER TO YOUR MASTERS ! MUAHAHAHA !

BEAST BOY : Well...I was...in the bathroom ?

AIMI : LIIIIIIIIIIIIIES !

BEAST BOY : *grumbling* Okay, okay. I was at...ballet class !

ALL : *gasp*

**CYBORG'S INTERROGATION :**

KORI : Take off your hat.

CYBORG : I'm not wearing a hat.

KORI : Raise your right hand !

CYBORG : *raises hand*

KORI : Other right.

CINNA : Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth ?

CYBORG : I DAWANNA !

KORI : Okay, okay, cut to the chase : Did ya do it or not ?

CYBORG : No.

**STARFIRE'S INTERROGATION :**

KORI : Where were you when Jenjen was killed ? Did you happen to see anyone near the crime scene ? What motives do you have for committing this crime ? What color is my underwear ?

STAR : *anime-style head spin* What are the meaning of these greatly confusing inquiries ?

AIMI : Don't play dumb with meeeeee ! TIME FOR THE TORTURE CHAMBER !

12 HOURS LATER :

STAR : *exiting torture chamber in tears* What was the meaning of that uncomfortable period of time? *cries*

CINNA : AW ! Poor baby ! Don't ya just wanna hug her? *hugs Star*

ALL : *charmed and subdued* Aw...she's so sweet and innocent...she couldn't possibly have done it !

**ROBIN'S INTERROGATION :**

CINNA : Where were you when Jenjen was killed ?

ROBIN : Ah...um...uh...heh heh...*sweatdrops*

KORI : O-kay...no alibi...

CINNA : We know you have a record of disliking Jenjen for her annoying ways…

ROBIN : *sweatdrops* Yeah...

KORI : A strong motive...

CINNA : And, lo and behold...*holds up Exhibit A* A bloody birdarang was found at the scene of the crime !

AIMI : HE DID IT ! HE DID IT ! I KNEW ALL ALONG THAT IT WAS HIM !

ROBIN : But...but I didn't do it ! I swear ! Don't take me away !

CINNA: Sorry, Robby, off to the clink !

ROBIN : NOOOOOOOOO !

KORI: Wait! Stop right there!

ALL : 0_0

KORI: Robin didn't kill Jenjen! CINNA DID !

RAVEN : Stupid, that's not possible. If Cinna had done it, I would've sensed it.

KORI : Oh, to hell with your stupid senses! Remember in the beginning, when CINNA was the first one to draw suspicion away from herself by trying to frame the Titans? And when CINNA kept trying to blame everyone else for the murder? And, true, only five of us did have the material. But only one of us had the knowledge of Jenjen it takes to successfully kill her…

CINNA: Okay, okay, I confess! I just got so mad that everyone liked her, and not me, and I just…I just…well, I blamed the Titans because I knew you would believe me. They hate every one of our guts! Plus also it would be the easiest for one of them to kill her…so I stole a birdarang and cut Jenjen with it, then left it at the crime scene to make it look like Robin did it! I'm sorry, I really am! Just don't-

ALL : OFF TO THE CLINK !


	8. Chapter Eight: Makeovers

In which overs are made.

**CHAPTER EIGHT:**

**MAKEOVERS**

BACKSTAGE :

AIMI : 'Kay, it's time to bring in our victims so we can torture them today ! *points her Magic Remote at TV* Hey, it's not working !

RAVEN : *approaches Aimi from behind* Gotcha ! *grabs her*

AIMI : Hey ! What do you think you're doin' ?

RAVEN : We're tired of being tortured and made fun of. Today, we run the show !

ONSTAGE :

RAVEN : Today, we decided to make a 'change in programming'.

STAR : Yes. We were tired of being tortured and made fun of, so we are going to, how would you say it..."run the show !"

AIMI, KORI AND CINNA : *tied up* HEEEEEELP ! GET US OUTTA HERE ! THEY'RE GONNA TORTURE US !

JENJEN : *also tied up* Hi hi hey hi !

RAVEN : *sighs* And the first thing we're gonna do is SHUT HER UP ! *throws brick at Jenjen's head*

BEAST BOY : So, we've got them where we want them. Now, what do we do with

them ?

ROBIN : Bring in the lard ! *gets 100lb bucket of lard*

A, K, C: NOOOOO ! *are drenched in lard*

JENJEN : Yum ! Lard ! *licks up lard*

STAR : Do not forget the jelly ! *dumps jelly on hosts*

JENJEN : JELLY ! IT BURNS !

BEAST BOY : And the mayonnaise !

ALL : 0_O

BEAST BOY : What ? I like mayonnaise ! And Raven.

CYBORG : *dumps mayonnaise on Raven* Beast Boy ! Look !

BEAST BOY : YUM ! MAYONNAISE ! *eats mayonnaise off Raven* Oooh...every good treat really does have a surprise inside !

RAVEN : *throws brick at his head* Somehow, this show was much more fun when I was dead.

MEANWHILE...

AIMI : *whispers* They're ruining our show !

KORI : But how to get it back...?

CINNA : I've got a plan.

BACK ON SHOW :

BEAST BOY : Let's play "Making Sandwiches !"

CYBORG : I hate sandwiches !

BEAST BOY : Oh well, gaybo, deal with it !

CINNA : *from corner* Hey, Raven ! Look over here !

RAVEN : WHAT, ALREADY !

CINNA : C'MERE, I SAID !

RAVEN : *goes*

CINNA : Surprise ! *dumps mayonnaise on Raven's head*

BEAST BOY : OOH ! MAYONNAISE ! *runs over as cheetah and claws accidentally cut the rope*

CINNA : HOORAY ! WE'RE FREE !

TITANS : OH NO ! THEY'RE FREE !

LATER, ONSTAGE :

AIMI : Did ya miss us ?

KORI : Yeah ! We runnin' thangs up in here, dawg !

RAVEN : Oh, no. Not more torture. I can't stand any more, honestly, I'll crack.

CINNA : Sorry, Ravy, you can't crack just yet. There's just so much fun to be had ! Now, put on this tutu for my amusement !

RAVEN : *hangs head* I cannot resist your awesome powers. *puts on tutu*

AIMI : Now the rest of you ! C'mon, don't be shy !

ALL : *put on tutus*

CYBORG : *gushing* I look so prettyful !

BEAST BOY : Toldja he was gay.

STAR : Friends, why do you not enjoy these most whimsical outfits ? I find their style quite pleasing, myself ! And the color is one of the loveliest I have ever seen !

KORI : Now ! To the makeup counter at the mall ! And no taking off the tutus !

AT THE MALL :

JENJEN : MAKEUP ! MAKEUP NOOOOOOOW !

CYBORG : *putting on eyeshadow* Does this shade match my eyes ?

BEAT BOY : Which one ?

CYBORG : The real one.

BEAST BOY : It's fire-engine red, stupid ! I'd say you're more of a coral...or perhaps a lavender...

ROBIN : 0_O

BEAST BOY : *sweatdrops* I...um...have a sister ?

STAR : What is "makeup" ?

ROBIN : Girls put it on their faces to make themselves look better.

STAR : But why would anyone want to cover up their natural beauty?

RAVEN : Uh, I hate to break it to you, Star, but not everyone has "natural beauty" Like her ! *points to fat lady with six chins*

STAR : *gasps* Raven ! Surely you joke ! On my planet, that is the utmost example of beauty !

RAVEN : -_-;;;

ANNOYING MALL LADY : Free makeovers, anyone ?

CYBORG : Ooh ! Me me me me !

2 HOURS LATER :

CYBORG : *comes out looking like supermodel* Don't I look so totally fabulous ! Oh, I could just die !

ALL : 0_O

STAR : I would like to experiment with this "makeover" as well !

2 MORE HOURS LATER :

STAR : *comes out looking like supermodel but is still asking mall lady questions* What is "lipstick ?" Is it a sort of makeup ? And what does "foundation" do for the skin ? And what is...

ROBIN : *hearts in eyes* Ooh, mama...

BEAST BOY : Hey, Ravy, you should get a makeover, too !

RAVEN : One, DON'T call me Ravy. And two, I am not getting a makeover !

AIMI : Of course you are ! *forces her up to mall lady*

INSIDE MAKEUP BOOTH :

AML (annoying mall lady) : Now, dear, let's begin with the eyeshadow. Shall we try...pink ?

RAVEN : *creates telekinetic barrier*

AM L : *shaking head* Tsk, tsk, naughty naughty ! Here, let me...*dodges barrier*

Oh, now don't you look adorable in that shade of rose ! And it goes so well with your eyes...

RAVEN : Hoo-rah.

AML : Alright then, here we are with the blush ! And just to play up that _precious_ eyeshadow, let's start with pink, as well !

RAVEN : *tips over makeup stand*

AML : *rearranging makeup* Now, now, musn't use our powers to destroy pretty makeup display ! *applies blush* Oh, don't you look darling ! And, tell you what, I have the most beautiful shade of pink lipstick to go with it !

RAVEN : Azarath metrion zinthos ! *something-or-other destructive occurs*

AML : No, no, we musn't say strange things while applying lipstick ! It fully unevens the coat ! Oh, and aren't you looking wonderful now ! But I do think that hairstyle is a bit plain and off-key...

RAVEN : I'm doomed.

2 HOURS LATER :

RAVEN : *exits booth with pink makeup, short blonde curls and a pink barette and dangling pink earrings.*

ALL : O_O

RAVEN : What ?

KORI : *snickers* Now...off to the CLOTHING DEPARTMENT !

AT CLOTHING DEPARTMENT :

CYBORG : Ooh, isn't this the most beautiful evening gown you've ever seen ? I just love it ! This pink sweater is sooooo adorable...and these sandals match it perfectly ! I'm going to try it all on ! *rushes to dressing room*

ROBIN : Well, at least I get to take off the tutu.

AIMI : WAIT ! WE HAVEN"T READ THE OFFICIAL CLOTHING DEPARTMENT RULES !

CINNA : And the rules are :

1. Raven cannot wear anything goth.

2. Starfire cannot wear anything other than goth.

ROBIN : *interrupting* Wait ! I want to make a change *erases stuff*

CINNA : *looks at rules* What the fuck is this !

1. Raven cannot wear anything goth.

2. Starfire cannot wear anything other than goth.

ROBIN : ^_^;;;

CINNA : No way *rewrites stuff* Okay. Here are the real rules :

1. Raven cannot wear anything goth.

2. Starfire cannot wear anything other than goth.

3. Beast Boy cannot wear anything black or purple or silver.

4. Robin cannot wear anything red, green, black, or yellow.

5. Cyborg cannot wear anything from the boy's or men's department.

CYBORG : Goody !

RAVEN : Just kill me now.

STAR : Wonderful ! I have often wished to experiment with the style of clothing you call "goth."

ROBIN : NOOO !

BEAST BOY : -_-

JENJEN : Wake up ! *throws brick at his head*

ALL : *enter a dressing room. And not the same one, pervert.*

STAR : *exits dressing room in ripped black jeans, a ton of silver studded jewelry, shirt with "Rebel" across the front, black boots, and heavy black-and-purple makeup* So ? Do I look, as you say, "tight" ?

ROBIN : *drooling* Well, your shirt sure does.

RAVEN : *exits dressing room in pink midriff shirt with long ruffled sleeves and neck, white-and-pink ruffled skirt, and shiny white dress shoes* I look like the Lollipop Girl.

CYBORG : *exits dressing room in shimmery purple evening gown, black high heels, gold earrings and necklace, and lavender-pink makeup.* Oooh ! I just look so cute in this outfit, dontcha think ?

ROBIN : *exits dressing room wearing Cow Suit* Ahh ! Why am I wearing this ?

BEAST BOY : *exits dressing room wearing nothing but boxer shorts* How did I end up finding nothing to wear ?

KORI : Oh, you all look adorable ! I'm gonna take your picture and post it all over the Internet !

ALL : CHEESE !


End file.
